Dear Friends,

I can’t believe my most recent post was December 2009! I guess I have a real inability to write and publish a book, keep my clinical practice going, keep up on the home front, attend the kids (adult kids, that is) weddings, care for hubby and dogs, move a household, and still keep up a blog. Guess what? I am going to give myself a break. It has been a busy eighteen months! I will also practice what I preach, maintain no self-judgment, have full acceptance of my life as it unfolds, and live mindfully each day to the best of my ability.

I am glad to be back in the saddle of mindful blogging! I find it centering, rejuvenating and affirming. I hope this post and future posts will inspire!

Growing as a Mindful Parent

There are many paths to cultivating a healthy parent-child connection. Mindful Parenting is just one of them. In the video linked here, creator Lu Hanessian catches beautifully the desire for, and satisfaction of, the parent-child connection. I would like to suggest that you take a few minutes and watch this video before reading on. If you don’t have time, come back later. It is well worth it. Oh, and grab a box of tissues!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0JY0IFcsIhM

What we know today is that children who do well in life have parents who have taken some time to make sense out of their own lives. As a parent, exploring where you come from and finding answers to why you are the way you are arms you with the understanding, emotional sensibility, and healing we all need to mature into the individuals we want to be, and, into the kind of parents we promised ourselves we’d be.

Being a Mindful Parent does require some time looking through the family microscope. But I assure you, this is not an examination of assigning blame, but of gathering information. The more you know about you, the more attuned and empathic a parent you will be.  This process will help you understand why you repeatedly do the very things you swore you would never do, just as it will allow you to see all the things that you want to pass on. I call these family patterns, ‘family heirlooms.’  What we experience as children: observe, hear, and sense, becomes wired into our central nervous system in our earliest years, and “Ta Da!” we have wiring we have no intention of repeating, and yet we do. In my book, Mindful Parent Happy Child: A Guide to Raising Joyful and Resilient Children, I explain it like this:

“Parenting practices are comparable to family heirlooms that are passed down from one generation to the next. Some are beautiful treasures while others are out moded or downright ugly.

All parents and primary caretakers face the same challenge: Parents have been wired to parent as they were parented. In our childhood, our brains developed particular neural pathways, a process in which synaptic firing communicated and built connections among neurons in different regions of our brains. Such structures have a direct influence on the attachment bond we have with our child, and, in turn, these attachment bonds drive the development and integration of neural pathways in the brains and nervous systems of the children in our care.” (Chapter II, Pg. 35)

I love the way Thich Nhat Hanh uses “seeds” as qualities within us to be nurtured or ignored. You will often hear me compare learning how to parent mindfully to learning how to plant a garden. Gardeners sow, water and fertilize the seeds of their choosing for their garden, mindful parents sow, nurture and attend the seeds of their choosing in their children.

“Parents are like gardeners, tending the children in their care. We possess a variety of seeds that can
be sown within ourselves and in others, regardless of whether they are seeds of love, hate, joy, fear,
generosity, or greed. If we want to raise a loving child, we
need to plant and tend the seeds that grow love.

Who we are now, as adults and parents, is in large part
a result of how the seeds within us were tended and watered
by our own parents and caregivers. As adults we are faced
with the task of taking over and becoming the responsible
caretakers of our own gardens. This requires that we regularly
take a step back and observe for ourselves what is
thriving and blossoming and what is withering or dying on
the vine. Mindful parents take care to identify which plants
could use more water or sunshine or fertilizer and which
could use less. And rather than allow unwanted weeds to
establish themselves and overtake our gardens, we make
intentional choices about what is allowed to keep growing
and what needs to be uprooted and tossed into the compost
bin.

In making sense of our own inner gardens, we learn
better how to plot, sow, and grow a thriving and bountiful
family garden. As we decide which seeds we will nurture
within ourselves, we are preparing the ground for similar
growth in our children. Ultimately, it is through increased
self-understanding, self-acceptance, and self-care that we
will enable our children to cultivate a world in which people
take better care of themselves and each other. Through
our own individual efforts to live mindfully, we can adopt
new ways of being, new ways of knowing, and new levels
of compassion toward our children, our communities, and
ourselves.” (Pg. 53)

 

Parental self-awareness and self-attunement can be developed through simple mindfulness exercises (You will find a mindfulness exercise on page 81) you can easily incorporate into your day. I suggest starting your morning with a few minutes of mindfulness, taking a few minutes throughout the day, and once again before you go to bed. Research continues to clarify how the quality of connectedness between parent and child plays a key role in healthy mental, emotional, and physical development. Being mindful is a practice you can develop in your parenting … one moment at a time.

Mindfully Yours,

Pilar M. Placone

You can purchase you own copy of my book here!

http://amzn.to/lMrYXQ

I received this video today from a good friend; she knows the work I do teaching Mindful Parenting, and, she  knows my love for dogs.

I may take a risk here using a video about training of a therapy dog as a venue to increase your learning as a Mindful Parent, but I love the lesson in this video so please forgive me if I offend you.

Here we go.

When I watched this video it reminded me of what can happen to people when they try to be someone they are not. This is like trying to force a round peg into a square hole, it just doesn’t work.  In my clinical practice I have worked with some very depressed  people. Good people. Intelligent and creative people. Spiritual and adventurous people.  Lawyers, teachers, architects, engineers, physicians and stay-at home moms and dads. On the surface, their lives look good. They have money in the bank, nice homes, family and friends. Then why are they depressed?

Have you have ever worked somewhere that you hated? Have you ever joined a cause out of guilt rather than passion?

For a number of these individuals they were simply unhappy with their chosen careers, while others had been living in a ways unfulfilling for them.  As a family therapist, I explore with my clients the adherence to any family beliefs and attitudes that are not fitting to them as adults. If we are not mindful to the generational family expectations and rules, as adults we are likely to make choices that appeal to our parents rather than to ourselves. And, as parents, we are likely to pass down these same patterns to our children.

The most well intentioned parents are often not aware when they are over directing their child’s life to ensure their child develops into a secure, successful and happy adult. However, we can’t nurture out nature. We can’t parent them into what we want them to be. Of course, it is our duty to help our children find out what is interesting to them by exposing them to the variety of choices life offers. But, where our direction ends is when our child shows little to no interest. So, we step back, we accept this, we love them, and then watch to see what seems naturally interesting to them.  One of my nieces is a natural artist. She found a liking to making figurines out of food and decided at age 9 she was going to be a food artist.  Now, I am not sure what the job market will look like for food artist down the road, but does this interest of hers get squelched because of this uncertainty? This is where the dilemma comes in as a parent right?

I was fortunate to grow-up with parents that didn’t put pressure on me and my siblings to work toward professions that did not fit for us. At age 17 I wanted to study technical theater. I even went to a specialized school in this for a few years. My parents never doubted me. Once I realized how horrible and untalented I was in this area, they simply suggested I take a variety of classes at a community college to see what appealed to me. I was hooked  for good in my first psychology class.  As I look back  on this time in my life, I recognize a skill my parents had was to know when to provide opportunity and when to step back and let nature take over.

In this video, the trainer of the featured dog knew when to let nature take over what she was unable to nurture.  When this trainer watched the other interests this dog had, she was able to direct his attention and energies in these areas.

After watching this video, think about your children. Are you forcing a round peg into a square hole or are you exposing your child to opportunities then stepping back to watch nature take over?

After you watch this video I would love to hear from you. Share your thoughts, stories, anything! Just leave them in my comments area.

A Dog Who Found Her True Self

Happiest Holidays and a Joyous New Year!

Mindfully yours,

Pilar Placone